bored.
i'm seriously bored these days. i've tonnes of school work not done, a line up of tests coming up which i've not studied, and yet i'm still bored. i just cant get myself moving, AT ALL! hah.anyway... out of boredom... here's my basic set of equipments i'll normally bring out to shoot (unless when i'm feeling lazy or so i'll skip a thing or two).
ok i told u i was bored.
seb at 2:23 PM
untitled.
while cleaning up my room and computer, i found alot of things that once meant alot to me, some still are.i remember a visit i made to grandpa house just a week before he passed on, i took a couple of photos with him and my cousin. it was my cousin in her graduation robe. but before i could process the pics, i thought i've accidentally deleted all of them. until now, luckily, i've found the raw files somehow. its also a kind of relieve, at least i saved myself from guilt.
here's one of it.
and also i've found something which does ring a bell or two... which i thought would be wise to share.
"Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what i'm gg through, fear & pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way though them - you can never get to being detached. You're being too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, grief & the vulnerability tt loving entails.
Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It wont hurt you. It'll only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a fimiliar shirt, then you can say to yourself "All rite, its just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is"
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, fel it completely-but eventually be able to say , "All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside & know tt there are other emotions in the world, and I'm going to experience them as well"
den i realised i think its what sophie quoted from the book "its called a break up because its broken."
sometimes i really wonder what do we really live for in life. we work hard for an extra dollar, we love the things that we do, we spend valuable time with our family and friends. but is it truely that when one's unable to find their soulmate, none of the above mention could ever complete that man?
let fate bring me through this, and eventually, take me to where i belong.
seb at 12:13 AM
my new maid.
happen to come across something that my dear sugar always does.and today, she's finally guilty of peeing all over the house all the time, hence, she've decided to help mum with some of the household chores. like cleaning the toilet.
seb at 3:35 PM
sometimes.
sometimes, somewhere, along the streets i use to be, i see you standing at places i could remember. i see you still, smiling back at me. i know you're long gone, far away from me. and i know that i have to forget you someday, somehow.but as for now, i just want to be with just my camera and me.
seb at 1:38 AM
joho's new studio.
went for the opening shoot at jonathan's new studio today. very cool lights they have there... the whole place carries a strong victorian feel. i find it pretty comfortable to shoot there...anyway... here's a couple of fun shots i did in that studio...
disclaimers: these photos are purely for your viewing pleasure ONLY.
and finally, here's the two pros... william and jonathan (the studio owner).
seb at 7:37 PM
sugar's afternoon nap.
here's one when sugar's sleeping in her playpen... check out her sleeping position... she always sleeps like this.
seb at 12:46 PM
2.30am
this is prolly the time of the day that hits me the most. when i finally have the time to sit back to think about my day. den i thought, i screwed up quite badly for the interview today. i could still feel that piercing pain right through my heart.loitered around orchard for the entire afternoon. trying to catch a glimpse of my past. and so i took the window seat in coffee club, observing how people move from a point to another, to think that they know exactly whats going on in their life. den i remembered what my sociology lecturer, mr sunny goh, had mentioned during class sometime ago that everyone does everything for a reason. everyone live for a reason. so whats mine?
met up with andrew to pick up some materials from art friends right before i leave for school. he told me his story of that how he got to know his gf. i really dont hate him for digging into my wound. he's a good pal, and i'm really happy for him.
but sometimes, ok in fact almost all the time, i do envy lovey dovey couples. i want to have a relationship i called my own. i yearn to have my very own kind of love tale to boast about! their happiness had an immediate impact on my downfall. it just reminds me on how fucked up i am with relationships.
summarising what i've just said, basically i'm still jobless. and hopeless. want to love, but scared to love, and noone to love. still dwelling. so lets just wait for another week, to see if our almighty Father have decided to spare me some change, and make my miserable life slightly better.
seb at 2:36 AM
i dunno wat to say.
just got a call from Standard HR & Consulting Pte Ltd. one of their staff offered me this job as of a sales coordinator. i know times are bad and getting a job offering can be quite impossible sometimes. not saying that i'm fussy, but i would really like a job where i can relate to my studies somehow. that lady was cool, she ended our conversation nicely by asking me my expected salary and told me that she will help me keep a look out.awhile later, this other lady from the same agency ring me up again. her tone wasnt exactly very friendly to even begin with. i understand that i do not have any working experience in the field that i'm hoping to work in. but that doesnt mean i have to pick up any job offers that you dump me with right? and if you're telling me that i do not have relevant working experience in that field, den i can say that i do not have relevant working experience in EVERY FIELD. i'm a fresh grad for christ sake.
i was very offended by her sarcasm. i'm sure you have your stand to keep, and i respect that. but you dont just coerce people into picking up job offers, and screw them up if they just turn you down politely?
anyway...
here's sugar today.
seb at 4:46 PM
frustrated.
i'm very frustrated with myself. why is it that everyone else around me seems to be improving, yet my standard is not even inching towards the better. wad is going on now? i am desperately looking for a break through.will anyone even understand the agony of not being able to achieve something that you know is just within your reach?
seb at 12:35 AM
untitled
there's this girl, 2 yrs my junior. she's interested in photography too, arts in general. very bubbly. she speaks in a very adorable fashion. seems kind of innocent to me, like a baby eager to be exposed to this very ugly, treacherous world.ok seb, whatever it is, nothing can be good from a relationship. so stay clear.
anyway... maybank called me up for an interview this thursday. kind of excited, yet do not know what to do.
till den, sweet dreams.
seb at 2:42 AM
my sunday.
sunday today was spent working in lucky plaza. i was stationed at this shop which sells Filipino music CDs, and i noticed that their version of christmas songs, were rather interesting. for example, wish was pronounced as weast and christmas was pronounced as kissmas.they got me pyschologically challenged too because there's this food stall beside the shop, when everybody seems to be enjoying their poh piahs and ice cream floats when i havent fill my stomach with anything since last night.
as usual, train rides have always been unhealthy for all singles. it got me thinking over and over again about my everything. i thought that i needed a chance. a chance for me to forgive myself. i know that some of you have been urging me to move on with it and find someone new. but if you would understand the amount of pain i have been through, you could prolly guess the reason why i'm still staying away from a relationship even after so long.
having said that doesnt mean that i do not want to be in a relationship ever again. i would still love to have someone who can be there to walk my soul, to bring meaning to my life. its just that i do not know when's that gonna happen.
you know what? the scariest thing in life isnt anything about death, but when you dont even know that you're lonely when you really are.
seb at 7:33 PM
myself
maybe i'm so used to being alone that lonely doesnt seem lonely anymore.what is life with a partner, i am totally clueless.
seb at 1:45 AM
Grooming day
Mum has been pestering me to give sugar a hair cut. she insist that sugar's fringe is obstructing her view. so today, i trimmed her fringe, gave her a nice warm bathe, and also pedi/manicure (whichever is the legs and arms).i'm now proud to present.... my dearest sweetheart!
sugar's a happy girl today. mum bought her new biscuit treats.
they're good for the teeth!
seb at 7:59 PM
d200
yay... i got my new camera today... such sweet honey.this is exactly the same set as what i have now...
sweet isnt it? i'm whisking away already.
now i'm as broke as before... haha...
seb at 1:28 AM
ORD LO
finally... i still remember that look i had on my face 2yrs 2mths ago... when i was totally not willing to part with my pink lil identity card. but see how time flies. everything that seemed so tough in the army, now became part of my sweetest memories. from the times i had with kwok and friends when we were in bmt, to the toughest day i had in brunei with victor and company when i was in 3sir. den i found another kind of fun in the army when i was in 10sib, with poh, keith and many others.ma`am agnes even prepared a gift for me today... i'm really gonna miss this big family of mine...
even still... good bye army.
looking forward to meet the guy who's gonna pass me my new baby tomorrow. my beloved d200. shall upload some pics tml... sweet dreams
yours sincerely,
MR Sebastian Ng
seb at 12:07 AM
keeping my fingers crossed
so far everything seems to be falling into place nicely... i hope. nothing is firm yet... but i wish it would be just the way it seems it will be. maybank called me up telling me that i've been shortlisted for a position in their company. got all my buyers for my canon stuff... someone sent me a privated msg in clubsnap offering me a very good deal as it seemed for the new system that i've been wanting to change to.and the only good thing that i'm sure will happen, is that i'll be getting back my pink ic tomorrow.
nothing's been right for me for a long long time... please... make these happen. i'll be happy... i promise.
seb at 2:02 PM
the countdown
3 more days to the big day...i wanna get my stuff sold with min lost... but seems like i'm already losing alot... den again... who cares... i wan my upgrade...
a lonely guy is a crazy guy. haha... how true.
seb at 11:22 PM
aching.
my whole body's aching from the photomarathon yesterday. and i haven had a chance, for a long long time, to really slack for the entire day at home until today. time flies, and i'm only 4 more days away from something which i had left with the army for more den 2 long years.anyway, here's another shot i had from the wedding i did, which i personally do like it quite abit.
and also, here's a shot of me done by clement for one of his submission yesterday.
i had a very very bad dream last night. and its all about you.
seb at 9:20 PM
photo marathon.
its prolly one of the longest day i've ever had since i cant remember when. woke up at 5.50am today to set for suntec, and i finish the shoot at around 10pm. i'm totally gone for now. its a very good experience for me i think, but still, i'm quite disappointed with the way they judge those entries.i dun wanna go on yapping about the details of the shoot, cos it'll really end up kind of lengthy.
but anyway, here's some of which i've taken today.
seb at 12:34 AM
steph's bd
my sister, steph, had her 20th birthday celebration at kenny rogers east coast this evening. it was kind of like a small family gathering too, since only this year that my paternal family that have been very much bonded compared to the previous years.i'm too tired to think of anything to type so i'll just let the pictures do the talking.
cynthia and her husband hanbing later den drove us to this nice cosy wine and dine place called lil bali. the place is very well furnished and you'll be surprised to find some of their outdoor dining designs rather unique! we had a very good laugh there today.
the bill was later settled by my cousin's husband, hanbing.
now i have less den 4 hours of sleep till the photomarathon competition that i've been looking forward to. and also, reaffirmed by sandy, photographers make the worst bfs ever.
sweet dreams.
seb at 1:38 AM
worn out.
just attended eric and meefong's wedding today. they're one of the friendliest people i've ever met for sure. its my first try at a wedding shoot and i guess i did screw up a lil here and there... its definitely not easy at all.here's one of the shots to share...
seb at 1:55 AM
nothing compares to you.
here's a song that sophie introduced to me. it pretty meaningful. good to share.Nothing Compares to You
~ Sinead O'Connor
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...
All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you
only the old broom knows exactly where the dust is.
痛，失去你才是痛。
难过，只有开心过才懂得难过。
seb at 1:07 AM
hazy mood
eh the short break i had last night helped me to think for awhile... i've solved the shopping cart problem which kept me thinking the entire yesterday.but still... it was a short break afterall... where i still have to drag myself back to reality somehow. my fragile heart's still aching pretty badly i think. i didnt want to break off all ties with her at all. not that i have a choice. just hoping that she would understand my intentions. i have to not hear from her somehow. but why does she just have to pop up at times when i least exoected her to? its driving me nuts.
and the worst of all... my family wun even try to understand me.
the wedding assignment is on tomorrow. its suppose to be someone else's time of their life. and their memories is in the hands of a loser.
i just want to take happy photos. yes, i mean happy photos.
seb at 4:45 PM
back
i needed this short getaway. not away from this place i lived, but at least a short timeout from work. just reached home not too long ago, spinned around this small and not so sunny island in a nice comfortable altis.i need a serious job to settle down with... someone... pls help me out?
seb at 5:28 AM
spinning.
everyone's waiting to see the success of my new assignment. it'll den link to a series of new assignments... which will inevitably bring me more income (which is something i need desperately now). i could almost feel that i'm gonna to break down mentality. the amount of pressure is bearable. i cannot fail.i... must... carry on.
seb at 4:51 PM
they just dun understand.
why cant he just understand me for who i am? i hate to go through the quarrels over and over again just because of that stupid ego of his. why must we all follow his dumb definition of everything? and let me say this for the very last time... money's important... very important... BUT MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING AITE? you read this?everyone has their own problems i think, so stop assuming that whats bothering me doesnt make sense at all. just because it doesnt start with a dollar sign doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt aite. some things haunt me so much more den you can ever imagine.
have you ever tried having a good talk with me? screw that tone of yours aite... and screw that bloody ego too. i had enough of you.
seriously... i gave up talking to you a long time ago. dont even bother to try now.
seb at 11:57 PM
hangover.
we shouldnt have met. we really shouldnt have.its killing me.
seb at 1:11 PM
my head. oh.... argh...
met weemin yesterday at tampines mall before heading down to andrew's chalet. and i cant believe i met her there. she still got my heart pumping 10 times faster den usual, just to make sure that i have yet to move on. so she stood right infront of me with her group of friends, waiting for me to turn around and meet her when i already knew she was there. it took me awhile before i could find that bit of courage to wave back at her. i could sense that the guy beside her wasnt quite happy with me already.it was just a hi that we've exchanged. i didnt know what to tell her at that moment but i'm pretty sure i've alot to say. weemin told me that after i turned away, that look in her eyes kind of show that she somehow, still misses me. true? i wish i can hear that from you yourself.
i acted non-chalent not becos that i've already moved on, what makes you think so anyway? i just didnt want to burden you with my own emotions.
i came home pissed drunk after the chalet... with a third of a bottle of corden blue... half a bottle of baileys... some vodka... beers... and a third of those smaller bottles of black label. i practically puked for the entire night. i felt as if i would die from it. it suck.
seb at 11:15 AM
untitled.
like whats not myself, haven been clubbing for ages and now twice in a week? went momo last night with chongchee and gary, the crowd was kind of different from phuture on wednesdays... i think i like momo.meeting up with weemin later in the evening for andrew's bd party. lets hope it'll lighten up myself a lil somehow... haha... haven been feeling too good lately... prolly the haze's getting into me too. shrugs.
my yahoo horoscope reading for today goes like this.
In one of your newer relationships, things are well on their way toward gaining real momentum. This is a partnership built on mutual respect and a shared sense of what is the right. Finding a person a person who brings out the best in you no matter what mood you're in is rare -- this is a person you can rely on, a person you should rely on. You are starting to align yourself with the people who deserve you. Let others from your past stay there.
what newer relationships???? more like the old saying goes... no money no honey! but still... to a certain extend... finding the person who could bring the best out of me, no matter what mood i'm in, is rare. maybe women like this dont even exist? or prolly that i dun even deserve one.
everyone around me have been going on about how cool this girl is, how sweet that girl is. about how soon they're getting attached... about how they're planning their marriage now... i mean... what on earth is on their mind??? have they even realise that i'm one guy here without anything, anywhere near that? ohhhh i'm so gonna kill the next person who tells me about their lovey dovey stories. hah
there might be a lil something... but... i'm sure its just a dream. i should be alone.
seb at 4:40 PM
sugar's hungry
as promised... here's wad sugar does whenever she's hungry... come running to you with her bowl... sorry that its kind of dark there... but the haze is really getting on my nerves.she's all i have now... and i love her.
seb at 7:04 PM
my kind of art.
ron's right... most artists can only tolerate themselves in their own world. so to say, most of them are always lonely. but maybe it doesnt even matter to them at all. afterall, they strongly believe that they can survive without anybody. spending their last dollar on a paint brush instead. it has always been bread and instant noodles everyday.my kind of art... started because of you. the love i had for you, was my masterpiece. however, with regrets, i didnt have the chance to get it completed. but still, the best photos i've ever taken of you, will be that of you, in my mind.
may you have an unforgetable 7th of every month.
seb at 4:07 PM
camera cleaned!
i finally took my camera for cleaning today (after knowing that it only takes less den an hour, and best of all, 20bucks only!) haha... cheapskate. after i collected my camera right, i spotted some dust in my viewfinder too... though i know they're not obliged to clean that for me as it'll be charged under seperate bills... i still took the chance to ask that young lady if she can get the technician to clean it for me. she gave me a sweet lil smile, assuring me that it shouldnt be a problem.and i guess canon's service isnt that bad afterall wad! who say bad... huh huh huh??? tell me la... who say one?
it actually feels quite good to know that my camera's back in shape. haha.
ok back to reality... i'm broke. darn broke. if i dun get myself a job by the end of this month... i'm gonna die and rot at home. can someone pls be a kind soul... offer me a job with something decent for me to live on? thank you...
seb at 12:54 AM
sugar
as i've promised ericia... though i didnt manage to get her coming to me with her bowl in her mouth asking for food... i do have another 2 videos of her instead...here's one when my sister tried clipping her fringe, but sugar doesnt seem to like it very much. oh btw... sorry about the quality ya... its all taken using my phone. btw... not that i keep screwing my tone... its a combination of my voice n my sister's voice ya...
here's another of her roaming about in the house...
enjoy !
seb at 12:31 PM
false alarm
edited.ermmm... ok... it was a false alarm... the wedding assignment is on thursday next week. the task reminder on my phone sent me an advance notice which kind of freaked me out for a moment.
and i hate myself for wad i've said to ericia last nite in zouk. i was on the dance floor with kenny and company, when i suddenly saw her walking towards me with her friends. she really got me right there, and i was too surprised to come out with anything sensible to say. so i went:
me: ericia? are you ericia???
(omg... let me replay what i've just said.)
me: ericia? are you ericia???
(WHAT THE F...??? DID I EVEN SAID THAT? WHY OF COS SHE IS.)
ok... she thinks its funny. i feel silly. but that was prolly the only thing that came to my mind.
bah.
seb at 1:12 AM
pissed
i'm so gonna call up singnet tml and screw them up big time. i pay so much every month to get such fucked up connectivity, not to mention its speed (pls pardon me of my language). i keep getting disconnected every other hour. every mother's son out there is complaining about the same thing too, not just me. and the crappy connection speed that they r giving me, is PATHETIC. i'm beginning to wonder if i actually signed up for a 10kbps plan or the 10mbps plan.now i've to even surf in fear of when i'll be disconnected. basket.
seb at 11:11 PM
too old?
i feel so disconnected from everything around me. i'm not even acting like my own age. i went zouk last night... had a drink or two... wondering that what on earth am i doing there? everyone there seems to be enjoying themselves in their own ways. guys crawling all over women whom they dun even know, yet those women seems to be enjoying it. and so i told myself that my gf must never be a clubber.saw quite a few familiar faces there though. and they seem to be enjoying quite alot? maybe i'm really too old for this. and the best part is... i slept till 4.40pm today, having a nice sweet hangover which i can bring to school with.
i was looking aimlessly around the dance floor... hoping that i could see u there. just like how things were 4yrs ago. how've you been? take care aite.
seb at 4:51 PM
just like heaven
i've just finished watching the movie "Just Like Heaven". which somehow makes me wonder... am i really living alone... down there... in my heart. you know... ever since that break up... i've been isolating myself. like living in my own world. and when i say alone, doesnt mean that i dun go out with my friends, becos i always do.who in this world, could fill my empty soul, with the beauty of nature, the art of god's creation.
i never did want to hurt you at all.
zouking tonight... after almost a year since i've last been there. you know thats where we started. a walk down memory lane tonite.
seb at 3:51 PM
again.
someone i've came across today kind of brought back much sweet memories. i could suddenly hear those laughters, see that smile, feel those hugs and kisses. we were both pretty happy werent we? to think back where you echoed those sweet nothings, baby, i still think of you.if only i could take you on for one sweet dance.
nothing's ever the same anymore. i lived alone in my own world now, where i wish that noone would ever find me here. noone would ever have that chance to feel my heartbeat, just like the way you did. baby it all went wrong, i dont know how, but it all went wrong. it was never meant to be this way.
bitter sweet, everything i've done were for you.
i drown myself with my studies and work. to think that i was really heading for the exit that you wanted me to know. and whats lacking in each and every single one of my photos is happiness that i could never find. i will never be satisfied with my own work this way. never.
thus that romance i have ever wanted will not exist.
seb at 2:32 AM
Sugar's a big girl now.
sugar scare the shit out of me this morning when i woke up seeing blood patches all over her play pen. i frantically ran around looking for help, hugged her real tight in my arms, knowing that i can never afford to lose her. i could really feel that piercing pain through my heart, if anyone could ever understand that i was going through that is. den i saw lyd online and knowing that she's experience enough to advice me, i told her everything about sugar. she told me that though it might be kind of early, but it seemed like sugar's having her first heat. a big girl now. i felt so much relieved after that, but still, it took me awhile to calm myself down.sugar's 7mths old now. and every month, i'll snap a few shots of her now and den, just to watch her grow. so here's my take today. A black and white series of her for the very first time. i added the noise in on purpose. enjoy.
whenever i'm down or something, she's always there for me. and i really cant afford to lose her in anyway. i love her to bits.
seb at 3:08 PM
a walk to remember.
today marks the 49th day that grandpa had left us. we burnt everything that's left of him, the atmosphere was rather solemn. though he's no longer with us, his spirit lives on. he's still deep down there, in the middle of my heart. i'll never forget the way he treated me, that tender loving care. i'll do your proud someday.over the months, i've been sorting out much of my feelings. without her, life was indeed very different. for better or worse, i do not know. i've been having alot of time to myself and thats for sure. but sometimes i wonder if thats just all that i need.
not that i've not thought about going into another rs. its more like i dun even know if i'm ready for another. rather protective towards myself from the last experience. my heart's been too fragile to take another blow.
my career now mean alot to me... but somehow... i needed someone to share the joy i've attain from my success. somehow here to enjoy everything i've now with me. else everything's nothing but just an empty shell isnt it?
think about it, seb.
seb at 12:01 AM
Wakeboard World Cup
argh i still cant get cover the dust i get in the image... maybe i should really send my camera for cleaning soon.anyway... met up with clement, chengsing and many others for the Wakeboard World Cup at bedok reservoir. the weather was good enough that it didnt rain, but it was very hazy... whats up with the haze these days anyway?
i've got some shots here... but pls pardon the lousy pics i have... its the first time i'm doing sports shoot... the place was flooded with people and i cant find myself a nice spot to shoot. plus i do not have the correct equipments to work with. so here goes...
water ski
and despite all these action and fun... there're also moments of disappointment, pain and agony.
hope you people enjoyed the pics...
seb at 8:35 PM
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